Never Miss a Game. Never.
Don’t pick and choose. Don’t be strategic. Don’t second-guess. Don’t assume. Don’t despair. Don’t make other plans. Don’t attend weddings. Don’t get married. Don’t stream Premier League games at home. Don’t groundhop. Don’t leave at half-time. Don’t turn up at half-time.
Never miss a K’s game. That’s the moral.
I made that mistake. I’ve learned the hard way.
After the agonising, disappointing, infuriating, predictable defeat at North Leigh, #SeasonOver started trending on Twitter. Away at Bognor the following Tuesday? No way. Forget it. Defeat guaranteed. Moss still on a honeymoon. Why bother? I’ll read a book, do some work, see my girlfriend, plan a new life. A 2-0 loss ensued. Vindication. Pleased with my choices. Yes, this is how to support K’s. A game here, a game there. A calculated match-by-match assessment of pros and cons, all designed to minimise input (energy, attendance, finance) and maximise output (goals, points, fun, significance). I'm 34 years old. I can't do 60 games a season. I won't. I shan't.
Next: Canvey at home? Pointless mid-table go-through-the-motions vacuity. Even a narrow win would be dull fare against Essex cloggers. I’ll sit this one out. I’m above this. I’m not an obsessive. No prizes, no status, no kudos to be had through the self-sacrificial, habitual fulfilment of duty. I’ll show you who’s boss. You don’t tell me what to do, K’s. Listen, K’s, YOU DON’T OWN ME. NO, MATE, I OWN YOU**….
Forty-three minutes on the clock. A quick perusal of Twitter. 1-0 to Canvey. More vindication. Happy in a regretful way. (How I feel at weddings.) Alfred Mugabo fed Martin Tuohy who set up George Sykes. Of course. The mediocre Gulls lead.
Open my book. 5 pages later I go back online. I wonder if K’s have equal…
Forty-eight minutes: Bruce Hogg straight red. A wild, two-footed lunge.
Satisfaction doubled. A smug smile flashes across my lips. I text fans at the game. “HEY LOSERS, YOU DON’T NEED TO GO TO EVERY GAME. LISTEN, LISTEN TO ME, I’VE GONE TO ENOUGH K’S GAMES TO KNOW HOW THESE THINGS PAN OUT, WHICH TO MISS, WHICH TO…”
1-1. 65 minutes. Ryan Moss. What the… ? How the….? But….
2-1. 87 minutes. Ryan Moss. What the… ? How the…? And then…
3-1. 93 minutes. Ryan Moss. What the… ? How the…? And K’s win.
Never doubt K’s. Never doubt Moss. Never miss a game. Don’t be like me.
**NB. Metaphorical not legal ownership in light of Community Club referendum result.
Match report by Taimour Lay.