K’s Jump Into Play-Off Zone With Comfortable Win
Carlsberg don't do Kingstonian Ryman League matches, but if they did, maybe they'd go something like this:
An important fixture, not necessarily because of the opposition, but rather the timing. It's mid-March, it's a game in hand and it offers scope for tangible progress. Say, a two-place jump in to the thick of the play-off mixer.
It's Monday night, Kingstonian night. Kingsmeadow is chilly but welcoming. A positive weekend win ensures spirits on the terraces are high. The rest of the footballing fraternity's focus is elsewhere, perhaps concentrated on Shinji and Jamie and Claudio. But in this pocket of Surrey, all eyes are on K's, on Pico, Andre and Tommy.
The opposition are from Essex, of course. They're sponsored by an infamous nightclub. Their goalkeeper is equally lamentable.
Come kick-off, K's are clearly the better team. They soon convert their dominance of territory and possession into goals. The first is scored by the newest signing, bundled comically through the keeper's legs; the second is volleyed expertly into the corner of the net by the star striker’s sweet left foot.
But this is football. Nothing’s perfect. So the elusive, tricky winger, overcompensating for losing possession on halfway, concedes a rash penalty.
But this is Carlsberg, so actually everything’s okay. The legendary K’s keeper saves it.
There’s time for another goal before the break, a penalty won and scored by the other striker, a prodigious, flamboyant Spaniard.
Smiles widen. The three-goal buffer is comforting.
The second half can be enjoyed as a sideshow, amid excitable terrace chatter, of tales told and dreams dreamt. Even the manager can afford to nip out for a mid-match pee. On the pitch, the opposition keeper shows increased competence, but there is time for a token fourth goal, struck from outside the box by the man who got the party started an hour earlier.
Everyone goes home happy and hopeful. The official match report will deem the game a ‘romp’. It will note the scorers, too: Joe Turner (x2), Andre McCollin and Pico Gomez (pen). And it will dare to dream...
Match report by Rupert Cane.